You are not alone

Have you ever felt that you have no place in the future even in the present? Have you ever thought of disappearing like you never exist? If you're not. I'm so happy for you. If you are, you are not alone.

In my entire existence in this world, I experience being happy, sad, angry, curious, anxious, depress, exhausted, etc. but what I hate the most is that... I feel nothing which makes me feel existing but not living.

In those times, dark thoughts always come into my mind. Thoughts like: What if I disappear? What if I die? What if I don't exist? Am I just tired? Am I burn out? How do I live? How do I survive?

When those thoughts arrives I suppress them by reading novels, web comics, watching dramas, or sleeping. I kept myself busy. I can't confront those thoughts, maybe I am afraid, maybe I fear it but why? Why am I having those kind of thoughts? Why do I feel empty?

There are lots of unpleasant things happening around me, to the point that if I became too happy... I'm afraid I'll be so sad after that. Do I blame someone because of this? No I don't.

I needed someone. Someone to understand me, not blame me for what am I feeling. Someone who can listen and tell me I'm always here. But because of that I lost it all. I tried so hard to have them and make sure not to leave my grasps however, they slip away.

Now I am left, all alone. That's what I thought. When every person whom I think my savior left me I faced a vast darkness. 

However, I found a light. Who would have thought that the one I needed isn't a person. It was God.

When it became too much I cried and prayed. After that I felt peace, the only feeling I didn't felt before.

I felt like I was saved, like I was pulled from the pit of nothingness. It was a new feeling. A feeling that I wanted to have forever.

From that peace I rebuilt my self I tried to live once again. I socialize and choose people who would stay with me, one that wasn't forced but those who opens their hearts and have me be part of their life.

If you felt like this... pray to God. Believe to Him. Have faith. Slowly you will overcome it. Slowly you will feel like your living a life.

To some, life is a curse, however, if you look more into it... there's a beauty that lies behind. A beauty that will make you feel that all your hardships are worth it.

Our experiences may be different and comes from various circumstances, but there's one thing I'm sure of...

You are not alone.